A QUESTION

Questions come at us from every direction.  What is your name?  What is your address?  What is your password?  (Okay, don’t answer that one!)  What is for dinner?  Have you seen my __fill in the blank___?  (Especially if you have a male living in your home because they can never find anything.)  When will the project be done?  Can you stay and work late?  Are the cookies ready for me to take to school tomorrow?

Questions are especially fun at the doctor’s office.  What do you want to talk to the doctor about today?  (Why go over this on the written form, with the registering nurse, and then the doctor?  Just let me tell it once!)  Do you have __check mark a million questions ___?  (Could they just ask, “Has anything on this list changed since your last appointment?”)  Do you feel safe at home?  (This is a question that should be asked of every patient.  Asked when there is no one else in the room or when no one can see what answer you are checking.  I can answer that question YES I feel safe, but many cannot.)

I saw the pain doctor a week ago and filled out the required form.  The medical side was easy.  The shot helped and my pain level has come down from a 9/10 to a 4/5.  Yes, my back still hurts and if I stand very long it really hurts.  Medications are the same.  Then I turned the sheet over.

There are new questions I have never been asked before.  Maybe these are questions related to how I am handling pain.  Have you ever contemplated suicide?  NO!  Do you suffer from depression?  NO!  Do you have someone to talk with?  YES!  Do you feel useless?

And I answered YES.  I had never been asked that question before.  Do you feel useless?  I was surprised to see I had marked YES.  Why would I mark that?  I do many things.  I have kept busy. (Bless the internet and jigsaw puzzles.)  I teach Sunday School.  I write this blog.  I send cards.  I keep our bills paid.  I research and post things on Facebook.  I usually beat Bill when we play Quiddler.  I still … but since June, I cannot stand long enough to dust – that was my job.  Bill sweeps the floor and I dust.  I cannot stand long enough to cook – that was my job and more than once I have had to ask Bill to finish the meal because I had to sit down.  I cook and Bill does the dishes.  Do you feel useless?  And I answered yes.

I want you to know I have not written this so you would feel sorry for me.  I am dealing with this and know what I can and cannot do.  I am not depressed and I am not sitting around going, “Woe is me.  Woe is me.” 

BUT, before I saw this question, I had been feeling “something” and had not been able to put a word to it.  Once I let that word sink into my head, I could deal with it.  And I realized, “I AM NOT USELESS!”  What I can do has changed, but I AM NOT USELESS! 

A second BUT!  BUT it would be very easy for a person to fall into the feeling of being useless.  When, whether for a short time or an extended time, we can no longer do our “job” our self-image suffers.  How we see our self changes and it could be very easy to feel, “I can no longer do what I did, so I guess I am useless.”  Plus, because we may no longer be able to serve in the same capacity, we fear others will see us as useless.

To the caregiver:  As hard as it will be, allow your loved one to do what they are able to do.  (And yes, I have been on both sides.  It was soooo hard to let Bill go for a walk after he had a very small mini-stroke.  What if he had another one while walking?  What if…What if..)  BUT, honestly, sometimes, you can help too much.  Allow yourself to relax.  Take a breath.  And sit there while your patient, your loved one, gets their own drink or chips or ice cream.  They might struggle, but they will feel useful. 

For some reason, I felt compelled to write this.  I do not know who, but someone needs to know that feeling useless can be a side effect of illness.  If you feel this way, tell your caregiver and your doctor.  Let the word useless float around for a bit until you understand: I AM NOT USELESS!  What I can do has changed, but I AM NOT USELESS!