WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was so thankful I did not have to go through chemo or radiation.  I received many cards and one said, “Just be glad you did not have ….”  Well, I was glad! But I took those words wrong.  They hurt.  I felt I was being told my cancer was no big deal.  When I told my cancer doctor about how I felt, she said everyone has to own their particular cancer (illness).  You can not play the ‘at least’ game because there is always someone who has it worse than you.”  Her words put everything into perspective.  I started with this because I want to fast forward two years.  ……………….

As you know, I had foot surgery in July and have been wearing a boot since then.  At first I could only walk on my heel.  Now I can walk normal and continue to wear the boot.  Hopefully, when you read this I will be out of the boot, because that darned boot makes me walk off stride and my back and leg are beginning to hurt.  As a matter of fact —-

I could not get comfortable.  Every part of my body hurt.  Either my arthritis (thank you mother for sharing that with me) or my back and leg hurt and that darn boot made my foot hot.  The wee hours of the night and I could not sleep.  So, I did what I often do.  I talked to God.

God, you awake?

“Yes, Mary, I am awake.”

God, I am tired!  For the last three years it has been one thing after another.  Do I have to make a list?  It ..

“Did you want me to answer about making a list or was that rhetorical?”

Rhetorical.  (You need to know that the following was said in a voice of frustration, anger, and absolute honesty.)  God, I am tired.  It seems it has been one thing after another.  Poor Bill is doing what I should be doing and it is killing me to watch him do “my work.”  And who would think a person could miss dusting?  And we have not been able to go to church … again.  The broken leg kept us home and now the toe repair stopped us from going.  I miss church.  I miss the people and Sunday School.  I miss praying together.  I miss hearing the word.  And I hurt tonight.  And I cannot sleep.  And I wonder what I am supposed to be doing?  I have a whole list of what I cannot do.  But what am I supposed to be doing?

“Check your email.” 

WHAT?  I spill out my heart and you tell me to check my email. 

“Check your email.” 

Surely God didn’t mean to check my email now…in the wee hours of the night, especially after all the things I had just said to him.  BUT I checked my email.  There it was. 

Dear Mary:

 

Sometimes reading your blog and Larry Wade's blog are what keep me going.

 

The last couple of months have been rough.   Reading your thoughts always some how "grounds" me and lets me know others have troubles and they survive.

 

Every day is a gift - even though some are so hard that does not seem to be true.

 

Things are getting better for - just hope and pray that continues. 

—————————————- 

God did mean right then because checking my email gave me a blessing.  My words encouraged someone. 

Did I go gently to sleep?  No.  I still hurt, but I had my answer: I am to use words to encourage. 

I wrote about this for a number of reasons. 

• We often say God does not answer our prayers.  He does.  Sometimes, his answer seems a bit odd so we don’t do it.  Listen.  Do what he tells you.  And when he tells you.
• We often do not realize how small actions can impact someone.  You might think it is just a greeting card.  The person receiving the card smiles because you cared and thought of them.
• We often think, “I am only one.  What can I do?”  Remember:  Jesus was only one and he called his disciples one or two at a time.  He used one Moses, one Abraham, one Esther, one Mary and one man in the tombs.  He will use you. 

I so want to thank the person that sent the email.  You were God’s messenger!!!!!! Through your email, I received peace. 

——————————— 

PS  I did not write this to get sympathy or sound like poor me.  I wrote this to let you know that, just like the person who sent the email, sometimes life is hard.  Sometimes, it just plain sucks.  Sometimes life does not seem like a gift.  BUT God uses us in HIS way.  God uses us where we are, not where we want to be. 

Also, I did get the dusting done and the boot is off.